I want the Sky to turn Blue.

Those golden jazzy Jhumkaa , the flow of maroon chiffon saree, a backless cut-sleeve golden blouse, hair falling down to touch the waist and the crackers bursting up in the dark sky.

I could just catch a side view of the lady when she pulled her hair behind her left ear that was falling on her face. I was yet to see her. She was clapping her hand in joy with a kid on her side.

I said,” Excuse me”. She turned around and my story ended then and there. That was ME! I was terrified. I was taken aback. I could not speak to her any further but got into the picture. That was ME!

I was attending my friend’s wedding with two of my very close friends who were married to each other. Sheena and Nilay.

The function was not yet over. I leaned down to answer the question of a little boy who was 5-6 years of age wearing a sherwani in the combination of beige and gold. He asked me about the multi colored sky which was the creation of different colors being spread by the bursting crackers.

He said,” Aunty, tell me the reason behind the different colors in the sky. How does it happen?” I said, “It’s the happiness in form of different color across the dark sky”.

The kid never asked the second question to it. He started clapping and enjoying the moment. He was just a kid to understand the reply which I gave him.

And thankfully he didn’t ask otherwise I would have landed in problem explaining a kid the philosophies of life which I have in my mind through my experiences.

I heard my name. My friend Sheena dressed up in a golden lehenga with her husband next to her in dark green sherwani called out my name once again.

Sheena looked at me, she was calm and said,” Shilpy chal. Let us leave”.

I started driving back my car in the darkness of the night which was being illuminated by the bursting crackers up in the dark sky.

All of a sudden I heard the note that someone started narrating behind me. It said,” She is not somebody who is a winner but a failure. She has compromised with life. She is calm. She is flowing with the flow of the life which is yet to be composed. She loves being with kids around and has a fake smile. She has turned out to be an isolated being. She is just okay with her smile”.

The Frame of the Picture of My Life.

I am good at remembering dates but this time I completely lost it! It was in my dream one night long back. I was taken aback for a while but ultimately I accepted it!

It was in my dream. I saw myself seated on a lavish white arm-chair in my red kurti with my hand on my left cheek. My hair open with a pair of silver earing. Behind me I could see the door to the backyard open. And in the frame I could see the fresh morning with fresh green leaves and sparrows particularly. This was me! This was me and it was shocking for this was me in my late 30s, well settled, rich but confined and lonely.

I had to believe it! When I saw myself seated quietly I felt sad for a moment . Cloistered Life!

I felt sad about that I had land up having an isolated life. But a moment later I turned really cold and calm about. A fact made me to calm down. The Fact of my Life! I could never have a good life. I could never have a peaceful life. Not a bit of it. Always lived for others, always pretended to be happy and healthy. Actually I WAS NOT & I AM NOT!

This one frame which I saw in my dream was enough for me to conclude my life then which never ends. I had reached that very place in my career where I wanted to. I wanted to be a writer and I had become one. In the frame I could see a coffee-brown chest of drawers with antique decorative pieces on the top of it standing on my left side. The curtains on the door to the backyard was so classy. Every bit was in white....right from my arm-chair to the curtains. Atleast that was peaceful.

I really loved the moment and I cherish it every then and now. It was good to see myself seated on the same white arm-chair in my peacefully set-up corner. It was good to see myself over with all hardships and to be there.....Loneliness was distorting the frame rather than blurring it and that I could not celebrate Shilpy Srivastava..............

The picture of the frame of my Life.

I am good at remembering dates but this time I completely lost it! It was in my dream one night long back. I was taken aback for a while but ultimately I accepted it!

It was in my dream. I saw myself seated on a lavish white arm-chair in my red kurti with my hand on my left cheek. My hair open with a pair of silver earing. Behind me I could see the door to the backyard open. And in the frame I could see the fresh morning with fresh green leaves and sparrows particularly. This was me! This was me and it was shocking for this was me in my late 30s, well settled, rich but confined and lonely.

I had to believe it! When I saw myself seated quietly I felt sad for a moment . Cloistered Life!

I felt sad about that I had land up having an isolated life. But a moment later I turned really cold and calm about. A fact made me to calm down. The Fact of my Life! I could never have a good life. I could never have a peaceful life. Not even a bit of it. Always lived for others, always pretended to be happy and healthy. Actually I WAS & I AM NOT!

This one frame which I saw in my dream was enough for me to conclude my life then which never ends. I had reached that very place in my career where I wanted to. I wanted to be a writer and I had become one. In the frame I could see a coffee-brown chest of drawers with extremely antique decorative pieces on the top of it standing on my left side. The curtains on the door to the backyard was so classy. Every bit was in white....right from my arm-chair to the curtains. Atleast that was peaceful.

I really loved the moment and I cherish it every then and now. It was good to see myself seated on the same white arm-chair in my peacefully set-up corner. It was good to see myself over with all hardships and to be there.....Loneliness was distorting the frame rather than blurring it and that I could not celebrate Shilpy Srivastava..............

New Delhi..............Numbness!!

16th of January, 2011

Outside New Delhi Airport.........."Didi kaha jaana hai?", the auto-rickshaw driver asked me when I had already got into it. I came back to my sense and realized that I was already in an auto-rickshaw. I told him,"GK 1 bhaiya". I tried reaching myself but I could not! Insensible.

I was travelling through the darkness way back my home. In my salwaar-kameez with my dupatta wrapped around and no winter wear, some cash and my cellphone in hand I had ran to the airport. I gave my destiny and all me.....

I had to come out of the airport with nothing but numbness. Thanks to myself that I was atleast numb.

"Didi kya hua? Aapne kuch bola bhi nahi aur yuhi rickshaw mein baith gaye. Kisi ko drop karne aaye the kya? Main to roz hi yaha se passenger lekar jaata hu. Par aap bilkul chup ho", rickshaw driver asked me. I just inquired his name and moved on. Last thing I could see was flights taking-off........and time was flying by.........

I reached back home......and sat down quietly for long doing nothing!

Late evening Kerstin invited me for an outing. I was not in the condition but it was her b`day next day and there was some plan to it that midnight! I went to Vasant-Kunj to Martha`s place. Kerstin had cut the cake a while before when Martha and I went into the balcony. Took the lights out and started dragging on sharing basis.

From her balcony I could again count n-numbers of flights taking-off!! I just had to say.......,"People turn heartless to the one who love them!!".I looked at the beautiful shimmering sky and took a deep breathe.

Last but not the least regardless of everything on earth at that point of time I raised my hand and said bye to the flight which was visible to me in the sky............Adieu......

Dear Cabin...........

Morning 8:10a.m. I reach office. My hands in the pockets of my jacket with my shuffle on. I would make an entry in the sheet of paper at the reception for I reach before 8:30a.m. I would then walk straight towards the cabin door. I would enter the cabin, switch on all the lights and put my bag on one of the chair which becomes the seat for me for the day.

Its 6th of January 2011 today. I woke up at 6:45a.m. in this freezing cold of Delhi. I looked at the photograph in the frame above my television set. Could feel my wet eyes. Wiped -off my eyes immediately. Mum, I miss you..............

I reached my office floor gallery which leads me into the cabin. Today for the first time I looked at the cabin door and it flooded me with thoughts. Thoughts of where it will lead me in life.....where will it make me stand in my life......I have so much of expectations out of it.......I hope life should not betray me...........I have to work really hard......I need a LIFE!!

I swear that in the last 4months I could never look at the cabin door this way the way I could today. Today I actually walked in with a strong determination in my heart that I have to make it. I have to crack it!! The way I could crack the interview.

My Daddy used to stay stuck to Aaj Tak news channel. Now the things have completely changed. He stays on NDTV 24*7 for the reason that I am with the channel as of now. Main apne Daddy ke umido par khara utarna chaahti hu!

The day of 5th of January 2011 has inculcated a strong feeling within. I have to put in my LIFE so as to have a LIFE out of LIFE!!

Ethics.....Form and Content needs to be more polished with more brain, power and will.

I took my seat, switched on my laptop. Checked my mails and there was none! Most of the times I get disappointed when at the same time I know that I cannot do anything about it! How long...........How far.........? "Try moving on Shilpy.........", I tell myself. I do this everyday with no break. Most of the times I feel like getting liberated but I have to wait for the right time. As of now I do not have clue about when this right time will come.........? Its been 23years!!

Dear cabin you have brought changes in me by gifting me so many precious people in my life. I have a platform. I need to keep polishing it so as to make it shine in a way where it would turn out to be MY LIFE!!

Me........after ages!!

I have to believe this that I am about to blog after the year 2008. That was the year when I had blogged for the first time. And after that I just disappeared. Today I have reached my dream destination i.e. NDTV!! I really wanted to be with NDTV. Its a dream come true for me.

I am so glad that my habit of maintaining journal has finally inspired me to blog! I have so much to scribble on. My writing will be in parts for there is no end to it as of now.

First and the foremost I am with the channel since September 1st,2010 and its 4th of January 2011 today. I am putting in all my effort so as to have a good career.

I am a girl with diabetes since 10years now and till date it never gave me problem. I love it sometimes but hate it majorly. A girl with deficiency is never considered. I had been living with this deficiency since long and never realized its negativity until I was made to. Its affecting me to an extent where I have started-off believing that I am useless with it!

To quote,"You need a person who would care for you and not somebody for whom you would care". This is so true that I need someone in life who would care for me rather than me doing the same for him. The fact is that I am a girl with deficiency, secondly I have a career to make where I need hell lot of strength to be perfect and thirdly I will not be able to handle anyone of whom I will be taking care of.

I need a friend in my life and not a ruler. Not a person to fill me with tears time and again. Its so much disappointing.

At this hour of the morning I am feeling so good about that I able to pen down myself being what I am actually.

I have the world`s best mum-dad and two elder brother. My brothers were in boarding school throughout and I was the only one with my parents throughout. My brothers were fine but I had to face certain miseries of life because of restrictions due to diabetes staying back at home.

After high-school I went for my grads to Pune. Completed my studies and applied for NDTVMI. Cracked it and joined the channel.

Life was so blank before I could have joined in the channel. I have lovely friends and seniors who are so good.

I had been anticipating for the day to see and interact with Mr.Vikram Chandra. And it happened. I am glad!

Its been 4 months of training and I really can`t wait to start-off with my internship. I have to work. And that too day-night!

I have ultimately realized that I am here on earth only to work and nothing beyond. I wish not to have a life beyond my professional life. I want to believe that there is nothing as such called a personal life.

My mum-dad are so very happy about me and I really do not wish to betray them. I have to work for them. Mum-Dad, I really love you.

My cousin is getting married this year very soon. And she will be gone to Phoenix,USA. That way mum-dad think alot about me for I am a girl with deficiency. I feel like telling them not to think about getting me married. For I do not believe in that life. Girl like me is never considered.

I wish to fulfill every wish of mum-dad. there is so much to go through in ones life that there is no end to anything.

Mr.Vivek Mansukhani has told me a very good thing and a fact that ,"Your partner will change, your friends might change but your parent will never change!". This is so true. I have to live on with this beautiful truth. I just want to make a wish that God should give me as much strength as possible so as to stand all the discrepancies of life.